To Adults About Children: Part 4

Let us continue our conversation about children and work with children.

The “I love you” technique. Sometimes, in some situations, no “technical” techniques work. For example, a child is having a tantrum, crying, angry, offended by something. Let’s say he was not bought a toy, or he was not allowed to do something, or a remark was made to him about something earlier … We try to explain to him (or her) his (or her) actions, but the rationale does not work. Moreover, the child is waving his arms or showing his tongue, etc.

We do not become angry, we do not threaten, but we speak sincerely, sensually, from the heart (not tongue-tied): “I love you, my dear.” The tantrum will not immediately pass, it may not go away quickly. After waiting a little pause, we say again: “I love you … / I still love you … / You know that I love you, even when you cry and shout … “. It’s important to pause. It take time for the little ego to give up. And you do not need to talk a lot, no need to blab the situation. But you can always add: “Come to me, I will hug you, kiss you, my dear … “.

My grandson does not immediately come up, he can sit for a while in the corner, get tired. Maybe 5 minutes will pass. I sometimes remind him: “My sun, come to me.” And he, at last, comes. Then you need to do “hugs”. As a rule. The incident is over. But you may need other techniques (depending on the nature of the child, his character), for example, “Barter” or “Rationalization”.

The technique “I love you” is universal. It helped me very well in a variety of situations. It is well suited for older children, along with “Rationalization”. I also applied it to a 25-year-old son. But, of course, such a conversation needs to be prepared in advance, to choose the right arguments, even to write them down ahead of time. Yes! Yes! 100 times “yes”. We must prepare. Up to writing a brief plan for the conversation, unless, of course, you want to once again break into emotions, when you arguments in response to his (her) arguments (and more often, excuses and excuses) “suddenly” end.

Most people, when words end, turn to emotions, and it turns out “they wanted it better, but it turned out as always”. More precisely, it does not work out as a conversation, but a new round of grievances and misunderstandings is emerging, because words were not enough.

Very important is the very beginning of the conversation with a teenager or an adult child – there must be something like phrases: “You know, I want to talk to you, only without emotion, calmly … / Tanya, I need to discuss with you one question, listen, please … / Dmitry, we need to talk for a few minutes … / When did you last need … (to do something, for example, or go somewhere) I came to meet you, so listen, please …”) etc. An excellent dialogue is in the movie “The Guardian”, where a difficult conversation between the boss-friend and a subordinate-friend begins with the words: “I did not retire you when you turned forty, so please listen to me …”. Further – “I love you” (I love you as a daughter / as a son / as a person close to me, etc.) and, perhaps, some reason for why, why, why … (for example, so I wish you only good … ). Older children may be incredulous, they hear the intonation well, distinguish it, and may already be prone to comprehension. Therefore, your sincerity should be sincere, and some of your words will have to be further argued. This must be done without changes. It is possible that the accusations will have to be heard. It is important that at the end of the conversation you come to an agreement together, so that the conversation ends with some result.

And what result did you want to achieve when you wanted to hold this conversation? What was the purpose of the conversation?

The techniques for the development of thinking “Fairy tale for the night” and “We play together”.

“Dreaming should be transformed into disciplined thinking.Already the ancient sages advised mothers to pass on tales of heroes to children and to acquaint them with the best songs about exploits.Will humanity now abandon these wise covenants?The Fiery World is first of all open to heroes and devotees.”(The World of Fire, book 2, 428).

Children need to be told tales. Up to school age. And even in the 1st grade. But not all fairy tales are suitable. It is important to take into account the age of the child, the style of presentation of the material of the fairy tale and its morality (what moral values are embedded in the fairy tale).

One way of developing thinking is that I tell my grandson after the story, for example: “A good tale? Do you like it? And why is it good? What did you like? And why did he (the hero) do this? And why did he not obey? Is this boy kind or angry? And other heroes? And why is he (they) good / evil?” And so on, etc, according to the fairy tale.

If the child finds it difficult to answer, you need to prompt him or slightly supplement his answer / thinking, showing directly or indirectly some of the causal and consequences, give some other examples or answers different from what he said. At the same time, it is very important to focus on the right moral values.

Someone may say: “This is formatting … he will grow up – will figure everything up for himself …”. Yeah … I will answer it in the following way: “Not formatting, but the formation of the value system of the child. Righteous = right (from good) values. And the development of his thinking in the right direction.” For unless you form these values, they will be formed by the street, the kindergarten, the school, etc. … since it can be done by all those (unfortunately, not in the best way), or can even be done by some scoundrel with all the wrong values.

But it is important to format NOT compulsively, NOT unilaterally, without prejudice, NOT insisting, etc., but by asking (in the first place!). Directing questions, showing, explaining … The task is not to create stereotypes, but to show what and how sometimes happens, without forgetting to tell how Vladimir Mayakovsky (“What is good and what is bad?”), correctly set moral and cultural priorities.

The second technique, it takes a little imagination. I, for example, compose a fairy tale, interweaving in it as the story proceeds, stories and heroes of different tales (it’s so interesting to weave the story, building the most unexpected combinations). And / or, often I bring in a plot of a fairy tale, as an actor, the grandson himself. Sometimes, after telling a fairy tale until a certain moment, I say: “And then, what happened – think up … / tell me yourself. It’s your fairy tale … “. Sometimes I set the direction at the same time, I help first with the development of the situation, because the child’s imagination may not work right away – it should be developed gradually: “Where did you go?.. What did you do?.. And then what happened?.. “.

For example, you can take a fairy tale about the Little Red Riding Hood, telling everything at the beginning, as usual, and then enter your child’s name into the characters, and let him / her help you in your story to save the Little Red Riding Hood from the wolf.

“If the lessons of high morality should be taught to children on the lives of heroes of all ages and all peoples, then the hidden laws of life can be set forth in the form of fascinating stories and examples from the life of all the kingdoms of nature.The accumulated wisdom of centuries can be represented in the simplest forms and, thus, many new distances will be revealed.Of course, even more memorable are such lessons, when they are presented to children in the form of small plays, where children themselves play the role of heroes.Children could bear the name of their chosen hero at their meetings.”(E.I. Roerich, 19.04.38.).

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT TO PLAY TOGETHER. Including role-playing games (doctor and patient, father / mother and daughter / son, teacher and student, etc., builder and tenant). Plots can be taken from daily life-typical situations, including and from those that are important to teach the child or discuss with him. There are a lot of them – plots, including, from the life you have already lived. I repeat – take into account the age of the child (because everything has its time) and do not impose your opinion, do not create a stereotype.

Remember that games with a child are not just for motor development, which produce coordination of movements, accuracy, dexterity, etc., but also logical ones – on the development of thinking, which masterfully create something from something, for the development of different skills. Also creative ones for the development of musical hearing, rhythm, ability to scalp, draw, sing, dance, etc. We, for example, like to paint together one picture with my grandson – for example, the mountains of Altai and our dogs, and of course, the children themselves. Or I’ll draw something more complicated (a rose, a carnation) and tell him – duplicate, and sometimes I guide his hand where it is most difficult. Sometimes it does not work the first time, and I encourage him to redraw better, because we’ll show dad. So he learned to draw very well.

Or we with children put on different ethnic music and danced different dances: Slavic, Oriental, Caucasian … or danced like fire, like water, like air …

We have several different musical instruments at home, children always show an increased interest in them. You can never forbid children to touch such things, to take them into their hands (fearing that they will break them), you need, on the contrary, to organize classes with children, so that they will create sounds with such instruments, so they would try them out.

Well, that is, here, in the development of creativity, there is no limit to creativity, it is just necessary to show a little imagination.

“It is necessary to accustom from the young years to absorb the beauty of sound.Musicality needs education.It is true that in every person the propensity to sound is laid, but without education it sleeps.A person should listen to beautiful music and singing.Sometimes one harmony will awaken the feeling of beauty forever.But great ignorance, when the family has forgotten the best panaceas.Especially when the world shudders with hatred, it is necessary to hurry to open the ear of the younger generation.Without understanding the meaning of music, it is impossible to understand the sound of nature. And, of course, one cannot think about the music of spheres – only noise will be accessible to the spirit of the ignorant.And the songs of a waterfall or river or ocean will be just a roar.The wind will not bring a melody or tingle in the woods with a solemn hymn.The best harmony disappears for the ear is not open.Can the people make their ascent without a song?”.(Brotherhood, 292.)

And the last – very easily learned (and with the nephew and with the grandson), literally in a couple of trainings to say the letter “r” (Slavic rolling “r”). I know how other speech therapists can tinker with this for a month. We did the same simply by offering: “Let’s learn”. The children agreed. Showed where the tongue lays in the mouth on the example of own tongue (they looked into my mouth). They noticed how the tongue trembles, shakes slightly. They began especially with short words with consonants at the beginning: “Tr-r-rava, dr-rova, tr-r-ramvi, kr-r-rovat, pp-rana, etc.”. It is easier for the child to pronounce such things while cracking the tongue.

It was not success immediately. Now I looked into their mouths to see where the tongue lay. Again, I showed mine. Again tr-r-r-rash words. Finally, the younger “shot out” clearly “tr-r-rava”. We called both Mom and Dad. Mom was moved to tears. The lesson lasted 20 minutes. Then we repeated it a couple of times, making things more complicated.

Further, when the child learns to pronounce “r”, one must demand from him to say this “rr” in the words that he utters every day, i.e. to pay attention to this periodically, but without forcing the process. In short, when I came to visit a month later, there was no longer any problem with the letter “r”. Parents conscientiously completed the work. We did not have a speech therapists in this case. Although to show the child to a professional, of course, is harmless, and even necessary.

WE ARE TALKING ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE HERE – you do not need to get rid of working with your own child, justifying it with your employment or referring to someone. Parents, grandmothers and grandfathers should work together in order to educate the child, sharing some of the functions here and providing mutual assistance and mutual support. But how few, in fact, there are such families. And we, of course, also did not immediately find a common language with older family children, but someone should be wiser … I think that all the same – the older generation. And often it should make a step forward, changing, first of all, its behavior.

“Let’s not think that the next Race will fall form the sky on pink wings!” (Hierarchy, 207.)

People need to raise and educate people!

See you. To be continued …

Doc Stefan

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